


After

by B_Kilroy



Series: White Forest [1]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 07:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7926334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Kilroy/pseuds/B_Kilroy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gordon's stasis held him out of space and time for twenty years.  After destroying the Borealis, and going through hell to save the world and the people on it, he decided it was about damn time to figure out what happened between Black Mesa and his arrival at City 17.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago and went through and revised it. It's been posted to FFnet, if you recognize it.

It's been twenty years since the Resonance Cascade ripped apart this world, and three months since Gordon Freeman returned to put it together again. The Citadel has been destroyed, the Combine super-portal closed, and the technology aboard the Borealis had been wiped off the face of the Earth. The Universal Union was left with no way to assist the remaining Overwatch forces, and so abandoned them to be picked off in a worldwide military sweep. Pockets of Resistance have tentatively reached out to each other to create some sort of loose governing over controlled areas, and to consolidate the cause under one front. This was especially true in what used to be Northeastern Canada, where White Forest has been in contact with the remnant factions of Cities 14, 17 (at least its displaced populace), and 24 to establish borders and a sort of written law. Of course, this was difficult to do when the most qualified people to discuss this were a handful of scientists and Vortigaunts, both of which had no sense of proper civilian governance.

Gordon Freeman, the “One Free Man,” the knight in shining armor (literally) for the Resistance, kept out of it. He was not a person to trifle with such matters. He was twice bitten, thrice shy; the government never seemed to do good for him. Black Mesa and the HECU, the Universal Union and the Overwatch... but now it was just the Resistance left with no one to resist. The ground forces stagnated and settled. While war had kept the human race on their toes for two decades, they finally found the opportunity to plant their feet in the dirt and take a seat. Gordon seemed to enjoy this kind of peace. There was still a military hierarchy, of course, but there was no stranglehold on the people – no restrictions by law or threats of injury or death. For the first time in twenty years, there was an observable peace. Everyone knew their place and stayed there, and there was really not much more thought put into it. It was pretty much perfect – at least for now.

Gordon spent his time with his studies and work (and hobbies on break days). Twenty years of scientific papers were written as Gordon was held in stasis by his “employer,” so he made it his duty to read and review them all, playing catch-up with the rest of the world. Published papers had devolved to writings in notebooks, and some were hastily scribbled on scraps of paper. He almost took it upon himself to start re-writing them, but decided he could waste his time doing something better. Combine technology and Xen crystals and all this newfangled material rapidly advanced the science world by a hundred years, leaving Freeman struggling with more advanced teleportation theory, huge consoles covered in a mix of English, Cyrillic, and alien alphabets, and knowledge that always eluded his firm grasp.

This wasn't to say Gordon wasn't a welcome contribution to the scientific team. He was a far step above most personnel, with an MIT education and a PhD in theoretical physics. It went without saying that he was gutsy, willing to do anything short of causing harm to himself or others (but he wasn't always able to protect everyone in the line of duty). Gordon practically allowed himself to become a guinea pig for the team, until either Barney or Alyx stepped in on his behalf when things got a bit too extreme.

Gordon was, for the most part, well-adjusted. The initial shock wore off from when he first stepped out of that train in City 17, but always had questions build up in the back of his mind. He knew that this all had to do with the Resonance Cascade and what happened at Black Mesa, but never got the full picture. Everything was happening so fast and people had no time to sit him down for a history lesson. He was pushed through the City, through the Canals, through Ravenholm, going on and on and on... Gordon rushed with Alyx to escape the collapsing Citadel and get to White Forest, defended the facility, and then the Advisors attacked and killed Eli. 

One of the brightest minds alive had been snuffed out. A leader of the Resistance had been killed. _The battle had been won,_ people thought, incredulous at the idea that Advisors had still invaded after their forces had been successfully repelled. They should have expected it, some spoke with hindsight. Advisors were powerful creatures, unharmed by conventional weaponry, and armed with some telekinetic and aural attack that they couldn't counter. Gordon had seen them begin to hatch from their life support systems, something that showed they would only grow in power. He ended up taking a squad of soldiers – Kleiner included – up to the old barn further into the woods where he and Alyx had encountered one. It didn't take much to convince them of the ever-increasing urgency of the situation, and that they needed to act. Almost immediately, following a unanimous vote of the present forces, the Resistance were sent out to destroy the Borealis.

\---

Gordon found himself alone with Barney and Alyx in the cockpit of a Mil-Mi8, flying away from the mushroom cloud that consumed the Borealis and its secrets. He was seated in the back; Barney and Alyx were co-piloting. The cargo hold was essentially full of junk; nothing important on board in case retreating Overwatch groups wanted to take down the chopper. A lot of vehicles, supplies, and weapons were destroyed, and a lot of people lost their lives in the fight to secure the ship's destruction - and this was by no means the end. Combine strongholds that riddled the wilderness were no longer supported by their home world, and had to be eradicated.

Barney and Alyx both knew a lot of the soldiers that died, but Gordon was still unfamiliar with many people. He was a stranger to this world – this _time_ , but to many people he was their closest ally. He struggled with this fact, with this image of Gordon Freeman popping in out of thin air to save the world. While he had done his fair share of heroic acts, the real movers and shakers were the Resistance soldiers who rallied together against the tyranny of the Universal Union. It wasn't Gordon who saved them all, it was Eli, Magnusson, Barney, Alyx. He was a catalyst, but the reaction would have occurred all the same.

Well, he did take down Nova Prospekt. He did destroy the Citadel's Dark Energy Reactor and initiate its destruction. He did help civilians and Resistance members escape City 17. He did kill the Striders threatening to destroy the White Forest compound. Could he have simply been in the right place at the right time? Yes. Could someone else had taken his place? Sure. 

But why did all of this have to happen in the first place? The ever-present question once again wormed its way into his mind.

Gordon shivered in the frigid helicopter. The heating wasn't working (how typical), and his HEV suit had been left back at White Forest. It wasn't built to heat its user; its insulation would have been fruitless as the metal pulled in cold temperatures. He was left in what was a typical uniform for the soldiers: boots, jeans, a dark green jacket, and a patch on his right arm of the lambda character – the symbol of the Resistance. He had also been granted other amenities such as a bulletproof tactical vest and extra layers to combat the weather. It was different, but at least he wasn't different on the outside. Maybe it would earn him some camouflage back at the base.

Barney and Alyx hadn't said anything since they started heading back to White Forest, except to communicate back to the base that the remaining forces were returning. It didn't surprise Gordon, giving the circumstances. Barney was sobered by recent events, having barely arrived at the base with his people before the rebels left for the Borealis. He had no break ever since the Uprising, and really neither did Alyx, especially since the Advisor killed her father. Eli's death was hard on everyone, but especially her. It took a lot of effort to keep her going; Kleiner even secretly kept her on suicide watch for the few brief days spent at White Forest.

Maybe now wasn't the best time to open old wounds.

\---

The chopper landed a number of miles outside of White Forest Base. They were running out of fuel, but wouldn't have been able to continue on. The sun had set, and the base always went on blackout and lock-down every night to have some sort of security, especially since its troops had cleared out. They didn't dare proceed on foot; there was still a chance of Overwatch camps standing between them and the base. 

For now, they settled into a small clearing. The first thing they did was get a fire started. Winter was approaching (or so Gordon was able to assume), and they had absolutely frozen inside the helicopter. The weather outside was not much more forgiving – the thick vegetation underfoot crunched with each step. Without a heat source, they'd be as good as dead.

A small bundle of sticks was quickly gathered and set alight with a flare gun Gordon had found on the Borealis. He and Barney quickly stockpiled more robust material to keep the fire going through the night while Alyx communicated their safety to White Forest and heated through some rations. They were almost comically meager – a supply truck carrying most of the rations had been taken out early into the Resistance's advancement towards the Borealis. If they were lucky, a headcrab might pop out and give them some meat to work with.

As the trio tucked in for “dinner,” they seemed to unwind a little bit from their journey. It was the homestretch, and everything they needed to do had been done. There was no catharsis or camaraderie yet, but they seemed more at ease. At least, Alyx and Barney were. The more time Gordon was allowed to simmer and think, the more the question kept nagging at him. He didn't care anymore, he had to ask. 

“Barney--” Gordon got out before he started coughing. He hadn't spoke since Black Mesa when a barnacle nearly ripped his throat out with its tentacle. His words were like sandpaper to his larynx, burning hot into the sensitive tissue. Barney didn't seem startled at all, knowing his friend was often a man of very few words. Alyx, on the other hand, had never heard him speak before and was afraid he was about to keel over and die after relaying some profound revelation.

A few words of encouragement from Barney were drowned out by Gordon's unhealthy cough. He continued hacking for a moment until he spat out a loose bit of flesh. “Jesus, Gordon, did something crawl down your throat and die there?” The scientist gave a slight huff at the question and downed a few gulps of water. He felt some more tissue down in his throat that he'd have to work out eventually.

For a second time, he started. “Barney,” Gordon got out in a raspy voice. Alyx still gawked at him as if he were about to produce some sort of revelation. He dismissed most of her concerns with a wave of his hand. “Tell me what happened... after Black Mesa was destroyed.” Gordon finished with a low rumble in his throat, and spat out more of the loose bits in his throat onto the ground.

“Well, bud, I think you're gonna have to wait for the book!” Barney chuckled in spite of recent events. “That's twenty years of history that I'm not exactly qualified to recite. Plus, you were here for all of that.”

“No, I wasn't,” Gordon said matter-of-factly as he ducked his head down and pulled something pink out from between his teeth. He felt embarassed to say it and even get the conversation started, but that was the truth. The stasis that he had been stuck in had kept him off of the planet and out of the timestream for twenty years, and he'd have to catch up on it all sometime.

“Now what the hell do you mean you weren't here for that?” Barney turned towards his old friend with an incredulous look on his face. “I mean, you weren't in City 17 up until maybe a month ago but you had to be--”

“I literally have not been on this planet for twenty years.” His companions' jaws dropped. They both tried to sputter out some sort of refuting statement but Gordon continued in his hoarse voice. “I caused the Resonance Cascade, I set off the rocket to counter it, I killed the Nihilanth, and then...” He paused.

Gordon's _employer_ came to mind. He hesitated to mention this being. While Eli was aware of his existence, Gordon remained unsure if it was safe to reveal him or his role in the events. What was his ulterior motive? What was his goal that he needed Gordon to help accomplish? What would come of him? He swallowed these questions as a lump formed in his throat. Now wasn't the time to worry. And now wasn't the time for a tell-all.

“And then I got off the train into City 17.” He observed Alyx and Barney's reaction. Both of them questioned it to themselves, not entirely dismissing it, but still deciding to refute it.

“Now Gordon, you mean to tell me you just fell of the face of the earth?”

“Yes.”

“Bullshit,” Barney concluded. “I've seen and heard plenty things but that's the biggest load of--”

Gordon impatiently cut him off. “Do I not look the same?” he asked in an angry tone. “Do I not still look 27 years old? I sure as hell wasn't seven in 2009.” Seeing as Barney remained non-plussed, and Alyx still seemed skeptic, he continued.

“Two months ago, I got a raise after I finally had a year of work under my belt. Three months before that I babysat you,” pointing a finger at Alyx, “when Eli was on an Ivy League school guest lecture tour.” He looked down as he saw Alyx's eyes glisten. Her father's death was still raw on her mind, and Gordon dared to use both her and her father to make a point. If he could kick himself, he would. Gordon allowed himself a rest as his throat flared up. Resisting the urge to cough his lungs out, he took another swig from the canteen.

“Here I am and it's about 2030. One of my best friends is now 45, and the little girl I used to know is 25. I have nothing to show of the last twenty years. No memory, no recollection, no physical aging, it's like I stepped right out of Black Mesa into… some bad science-fiction film.” Gordon grasped his hands as all these repressed feelings, worries, and concerns re-surfaced. He rumbled in his throat to subdue the need to cough. “I've waged war on an enemy I hardly know, with people I hardly know. I've seen too many people die, I've killed so much, I've bled for this cause and I don't know why any of this is happening except for what I did at Black Mesa. I know the Combine are bad, I know we had to defeat them, destroy the Citadel, and destroy the Borealis. I just... I need to know why.” He looked up and Alyx and Barney. 

“What happened after Black Mesa blew up, and what's going on?” he asked with finality. Gordon wanted, needed, deserved an answer. It was practically a demand. He had done so much and he had no idea why. It seemed as though he had been obligated to do everything. Gordon remembered back when he was escaping the City, Alyx announced that 'Gordon Freeman has returned.' What had people been expecting of him? Why did they expect so much of him? He held these questions back; Gordon would consider himself lucky if he could find the answer to the one already on the table.

Barney considered it for a minute, giving Gordon a good look over. He couldn't deny that Gordon appeared impeccably young. He couldn't deny his friend had seemed so out of place all this time. It was impossible and outright disrespectful to imply Gordon had barely even skimmed the surface of the war. Gordon Freeman had been the reagent, the most significant cause of the Uprising. He was the reason they had come so far in so little time. If Gordon was telling the truth, who was he to deny him an answer?

Barney's face softened as he glanced up at the night sky. A very dull orange band lipped around the horizon. “Well, I guess it's not long after six... I hope you're all settled in, 'cause this is a hell of a nighttime story. Still think you should wait for the book.”

Gordon bowed his head in thanks. 

“Well let's see... after the Resonance Cascade, after Black Mesa was nuked, we discovered that the satellite failed to do it's job. It probably made things worse, actually. Everything that we saw in Black Mesa kept on coming in and just randomly teleported anywhere in the world, so there was no real safe place. You saw how HECU and the Black Ops team couldn't handle it, right? Well, army regulars barely did any better. The saving grace was that everything except the headcrabs managed to die off, probably from the different atmospheric make-up or whatever. So after we got roughed up, the Combine came in and sucker punched us.”

“I don't want bullet points,” Gordon grumbled.

“Oh okay fine, ya big baby.”

\---

“And then I saw you come in through processing about to board that train to Nova Prospekt.” It was late into the night when Barney finished reciting the history of the past twenty years., either at or just past midnight. The three had ended up bundled closely together in the chopper's open cargo hold with the fire up close to the entrance as a deep static chill settled into the clearing. Gordon was nestled between Alyx and Barney, all bundled under layers of blankets and fabric, silently taking in everything that the two had told him throughout the course of the last few hours. 

He had no real reaction to the information. He simply took it in and accepted it as fact. The more Gordon learned, the more he was able to piece everything together, how the world had managed to get as messed up as it did. If there's any stroke of luck Gordon got out of his stasis, it was that he didn't have to experience the hell that consumed Earth. 

He let out a heavy sigh when the history lesson ended. Solace wasn't quite the word. Consolation? No... closure was what Gordon got. He finally had the full story, and could finally act on this knowledge in the future. 

“Thank you both for filling me in. I know it took a long time to tell, but I just--”

“Don't worry about it, Gordon,” Alyx spoke up. “You deserve this knowledge if you truly weren't here for all of it. Especially since you've done so much for us.” She shivered as a breeze shot into the helicopter. “Hopefully there isn't much more to do.”

“Not much,” Barney reckoned. “Sweep the countryside for any pockets of Overwatch, set up a real good defensive perimeter around White Forest, maybe even work our way into a rural town and set up a settlement. Might get real close to a normal existence soon.” He yawned, accepting the fact he needed a good rest. “I guess I'll turn in. My old bones are aching, I'll leave the rest of the night to you young folk.” Barney offered Gordon a playful elbow, who returned one that wasn't so playful. The pepper-haired man chuckled and got up from the bundle of fabric to stoke the fire and add more wood to it before disappearing behind a stacked wall of boxes in the cargo hold.

Gordon and Alyx sat “alone” in the chopper. The night was no longer young but neither of them seemed to want to sleep. At the same time, they didn't know what to do or what to say. 

“How do you feel now?” Alyx finally asked of the scientist.

“Better.” He paused. “You?”

“Better,” she returned.

“I'm sorry for what I said,” Gordon paused again. “I didn't mean to use Eli to get a point across.”

“It's okay, Gordon. I know you meant no harm. Dad would have wanted you to know,” Alyx offered a few words of easement. Gordon thought back to when he met with Eli in White Forest, when they were alone and began to mention their 'mutual friend.' Eli would have been the person with the most knowledge of what happened to Gordon after Black Mesa, especially if he was indebted to Gordon's 'employer' after he saved Alyx from the complex. He had no doubt Eli's debt was paid now. His thoughts wandered to his own fate with his employer, but Gordon cut himself off soon enough – he didn't want to have to contemplate his own fate just yet.

They could both tell that the other wanted to talk more, but didn't know what to say. Silence fell between them again. For a while, they just enjoyed the company of each other, and the peace they were finally able to observe. For the longest time, they were only together in stress and in combat, but now it seemed as though everything right now was okay, and they took that. They sat together in the chopper, watching the fire dance with itself and the shadows play off the trees. 

Gordon looked towards Alyx, who he found to be seemingly lost in thought. Her gaze was far off, probably settled somewhere in the treeline. He let her be. She needed the most time to decompress, to meditate, and to just stop and breathe. Alyx was one of the people worst off in this world that he knew. Eli was dead, and so were countless other friends, acquaintances, compatriots, contemporaries. She grew up in this world of shit, and Gordon had only stepped through the threshold.

He felt her pain, though. Ever since the Vortigaunts bound their life forces together to save Alyx, Gordon had felt some odd dull warmth inside of him. This warmth projected emotions, feelings, even pain through him – it wasn't hard to put two and two together. The connection between them was strongest when they were ambushed by the Advisors and saw Eli get killed. The unadulterated grief, sadness, and anger poured into his soul and almost drowned him out of his own mind.

Gordon, with his very basic understanding of Vortigaunts and the “vortal coil”, figured the connection worked both ways. God forbid she felt even half the amount of pain he put himself through when the Combine attacked White Forest and when they went to the Borealis. Probably thought she was having a heart attack out of all the stress. He frowned to himself, realizing that neither he nor the Vortigaunts told her that their life forces were essentially inter-weaved. 

He thought about telling her, but decided tonight was enough. This week, this whole thing was enough for now. He would wait to tell her. Maybe something would happen that would make it necessary to tell her, maybe Alyx would figure it out on her own, but tonight wasn't the right time to talk about some sort of soul-binding moment. There was probably enough on her mind that she didn't need something else to bounce around in her skull. He gave a bit of a sigh through his nose, and continued to gaze out into the fire and the dark with her. I wonder what feeling she's getting from me, Gordon thought to himself, but contemplated no more.

“I think it's time to sleep,” Alyx quietly suggested after some time. In agreement, Gordon stood from his place and stepped out of the chopper, carefully skirting the fire to leave Alyx behind. He paced around the perimeter with a rifle, peering into the thick woods. It was the middle of the night – almost prime for some sort of ambush. The three of them were alone, and the rebel forces were dispersed on their own all around them. It would be hard to muster a defense force on the spot. Then again, they just blew up the Borealis, which contained whatever the Combine were after. If that's gone and they have nowhere to go, they're probably routing their forces somewhere to either fend for themselves or else. A midnight attack by the Combine, Gordon believed, would be highly unlikely.

After traveling once around the clearing, Gordon decided it was safe. He returned to the Mil-Mi8 and closed the cargo door. Gordon mumbled something about keeping the fire alight to make sure the fuel lines didn't freeze. He stood for a moment in the dull fading red light, observing the relatively open area they had. Despite the space they had, he decided to return to his spot next to Alyx, who didn't appear to mind.

Taking off his knit hat and glasses, Gordon scooted away from the wall until he could lay comfortably. Eyes closed and mind already drifting away, he felt as Alyx did the same. “Gordon?” he heard her ask in a low voice. A soft sound was his response. After a pause, he heard her whisper, “Good night.”

“Good night.” Gordon shifted onto his side, curling into himself as he allowed sleep to wash over him. As he slipped from the waking world, he felt a warm pressure push gently and settle against his back. Alyx. Gordon smiled to himself, and fell asleep.


End file.
